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My God is good
It isn't to often I touch on personal issues on this blog, the reason being I struggle a lot with revealing things about myself. I convince myself that if people know the real me they wont like me. Most days I don't like me... So how could others? I lived with this way of thinking for years, I lived thinking no one not even God could love me. When I was little I went through some things that even as an adult still get to me. They are like this constant weight I can't seem to lift. In 2014 things got worse. My hubby and I were fighting non stop, my dad thought he had cancer, my brother and I got into a huge fight and things just kept getting to me. I would watch the news and be over taken with pain and sadness about things going on in the world. And it wasn't normal sadness it was stay awake all night and question "How can God let these things happen?" Then on December 23 2014 my world came to a stop. I had to put my first baby to sleep, my best friend Lucy my lab pup. And I was sad, mad and in a fit of rage! I told myself that the reason God lets bad things happen is because he isn't there! I told myself no way could a God that loves me take away something so important to me. The next 6 months were the hardest of my life!! I was sad all the time crying. The smallest thing made me mad. I convinced myself that all the people in my life were cursed because I was here. My being alive was ruining the lives of others. In June 2015 I stopped sleeping. Insomnia took over and instead of getting an 8-9 hour break from being me once a night I was awake all the time. I was lucky to get 20 hours of sleep a week.
By July 17th weekend (I remember this because it was my mom's birthday weekend) I had enough, I didn't want to be a burden to my loved ones anymore. Being me just became to much. It was early maybe 5am I got out of bed. I was walking out to my kitchen to take every single sleeping pill I had purchased to get rid of my insomnia. I was going to get rid of it forever, I was checking out of life.
I have a back gate set up that separates my bedrooms from my main rooms. I stuck my hand on the gate to open it when it happened.
A love so great, so powerful came over me. Just a feeling of pure acceptance, a feeling that I never in my life felt before dropped me to my knees. I really fell to my knees I had my hands still on the gate and had my head hanging because the power of this love took my breath away. It was God. At my lowest moment he helped me, he showed me that he was there. He proved to me that even though I was weak and gave up on his master plan for me, that he never once gave up on me. He was there for me the whole time.
What I felt in that moment can't be put into words. It was divine intervention.
What I felt in that moment can't be put into words. It was divine intervention.
And instead of feeling sorry for myself I started to see things in a new way. Lucy was his gift to me, he didn't take her from me. He allowed me to have her for several years. She was never really mine, she was always his. His creation, I was just allowed to have her for a time. I thank him for those years that he permitted me to have with her. All those bad things that happened to be as a child prepared me to be a mother, the type of mother he wanted me to be. One who knows just how hurtful a word or a beating can be. One whom would never inflict that kind of fear into her own kids, because she knew how it felt.
He made me strong so that I could be a good mom to my boys.
He made me strong so that I could be a good mom to my boys.
And through all this something kept pushing me to turn around and go sit in my kiddos room as they slept. So I did. That week I went to the doctor and he told me the reason I feel things so deeply is because I have hyper awareness anxiety. A small pill a day now helps me manage those feelings.
This was just God's first step for me. Over the next few months he helped me to cut bad things from my life. He helped me to see things differently, through pray I was able to fix things with my hubby and instead of seeing only the bad I was able to see life in a whole new way.
Again though he wasn't done, I fear meeting new people. This roots to that "No one wants you around feeling" I always have. God kept pushing me to go out, to get hobbies and to go to Church! To come out of my little shell and go.
So I went to Sunday School for the first time in years. I sat with my head ducked fingers crossed I didn't upset anyone to much by being there.
I was hugged so many times I lost count! Everyone was so accepting and welcoming the amount of love I felt took my breath away. These were Gods people. And one lady in particular really went above and beyond! She invited me to be her room mate at a Church retreat! She invited me to her small study group on Wednesday nights.
I felt like I was part of something, she opened a whole new door for me. I felt like maybe I am not so bad, maybe people want me around.
I now go line dancing on Mondays with ladies from the Church, group meetings on Tuesday again with friends from the Church, small Bible study group and soon I will be volunteering for Vacation Bible School on Wednesdays, I do Yoga at the Church on Saturdays and of course on Sunday I do both Sunday school and Church.
I am part of something. And all because God put these people in my life, he knew I needed a support so he surrounded me with a group of loving people.
That woman though who asked me to be her roommate was the first to reach out to me. The first to make me feel like I was wanted (Other than God of course) I wanted to give her a gift to show her just how much that small act of kindness affected me. How something so small was so very very BIG to me!
That is when I found Hope In A Box
HOPE IN A BOX is full of unique inspirational gifts that you can send to someone special!!
The H.O.P.E. (Hang On Pray Everyday) line of products and gift boxes have been developed to remind us to 'HANG ON' to the promises made by God in scripture: that He will meet our needs (Phil 4:19), how He is with us and will help us (Isaiah 41:10), how He is our Rock, Salvation, Defense, and Fortress (Psalm 62:6) and to 'PRAY EVERYDAY' to Christ who loves us, so that He can lovingly guide us in this challenging time.
I purchased a box for her! No because I think she needs a reminder to Hang On Pray Everyday, but because she remind me of that. That God does have a plan for me, I just need to be patient and wait for him to reveal it to me. She opened a door for me of friendship and she was a friend to me when I so dearly needed one.
I was honored to give her this gift and to express just how much her inviting me to be part of her group of ladies meant to me.
Hope In a Box left me not just tell her but show her.
My God is good. He is always there for us. I pray every night now, I actually pray all day long for every little thing. If you read this post and think, no God and I will never have that relationship. I was you! I was stuck in that scary place of feeling like I couldnt connect with him. Pray reach out, he will always be there for you!
H.O.P.E.
HOPE IN A BOX is full of unique inspirational gifts that you can send to someone special!!
The H.O.P.E. (Hang On Pray Everyday) line of products and gift boxes have been developed to remind us to 'HANG ON' to the promises made by God in scripture: that He will meet our needs (Phil 4:19), how He is with us and will help us (Isaiah 41:10), how He is our Rock, Salvation, Defense, and Fortress (Psalm 62:6) and to 'PRAY EVERYDAY' to Christ who loves us, so that He can lovingly guide us in this challenging time.
I purchased a box for her! No because I think she needs a reminder to Hang On Pray Everyday, but because she remind me of that. That God does have a plan for me, I just need to be patient and wait for him to reveal it to me. She opened a door for me of friendship and she was a friend to me when I so dearly needed one.
I was honored to give her this gift and to express just how much her inviting me to be part of her group of ladies meant to me.
Hope In a Box left me not just tell her but show her.
This photo just shows a few of the items you can purchase!! They have blankets and so much more!
My God is good. He is always there for us. I pray every night now, I actually pray all day long for every little thing. If you read this post and think, no God and I will never have that relationship. I was you! I was stuck in that scary place of feeling like I couldnt connect with him. Pray reach out, he will always be there for you!
H.O.P.E.