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If you never suffered from this illness you will have no clue the type of pain I am about to talk about. If you have, my heart goes out to you because I know the pain, tears and feeling like you are going crazy feelings that you had. And the fear of the rest of the world looking at you like you are broken.
I have hyper-awareness anxiety and I went YEARS without anyone diagnosing it. Years of being told to shut up and quit over reacting. Years of being talked about for being annoying. Years of people telling me it is all in my head and I have to quit acting like a crazy person. And after years of being cut down again and again, This was all from my family, the ones who should love me.
Satan got his claws in me and clamped down.
Maybe I am crazy? Maybe I am not like the rest of them? Maybe they would be better off with out me? They would be better off without me.
That was me last summer the weekend of July 17th I was going to make the world a better place by taking me out of it. I am baring my soul to you because that moment of weakness was my lowest low. It was the moment I let Satan win. Sadly for Satan my God is great and he reached out to me at my lowest moment and saved me. I had my lowest and highest moments all within the same 5 minutes
You can read a bit more about that here My God Is Good
After that moment I was no longer afraid to be broken, because I knew I was broken. I was sick. Desperately sick and I knew that even though I was sick God still loved me. It was okay to be me.
I went to my doctor that week and was stuck on medicine and for the first time in my life being me is bearable. Being me no longer feels like weight that I am forced to lug around and pray that no one inspects to deeply.
I hide the fact I am on medicine though, because Satan still once in awhile gets into my head and convinced me people wont love you if they know you are crazy. Do you really think they will want you around? I still at time feel isolated.
I found a book though that I can't even put into words how it made me feel. A Pastor who goes through some of the feelings I do!! A Pastor who says it is okay. A Pastor who shines a whole new light on what I am going through. Through love and patience he helps you to cope with fear. To get through the panic and anxiety. This book shows me how to embrace them and live with them instead of trying to hide them under a rug or shove the mask of "I am okay" over them. Through kind words and as someone who has been there Lance Hahn shows us how to master living with these feelings instead of letting them master us.
I love how real the book is, the author tells you his personal story and he puts it all out there. There is no hiding, no sugar coating, he is just real with us.
Then he talks more about the stem of fear, where it comes from. How to understand it.
And then on page 48 of the book he says, "You are not alone in your struggle." And then he proves it with facts and statistics. I can't lie I was in awe at this moment just how unalone I really am! Not that I am happy for the suffering for others, but it is nice to know that it isn't just me! That maybe I am not crazy and that others go through this as well.
And finally we get a solution to help us as we struggle.
God and no he doesn't just write God on the page, he shows us in scripture just how hands on God really is. The story of Jesus, Jonah and Daniel were 3 examples he used in how God was there controlling the situations.
I made me think that I worry so much for nothing! God had it under control! He has my back :). The whole 3rd part of the book shows and tells us of all the ways God is looking out for us.
No my fear isn't 100% cured after reading this book, but at least now I have some tools to live with it. To deal with its constant pull.